


Deserving

by T0XIC_P0IS0N



Series: Struck by a (Not So) Smooth Criminal [2]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gift Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Multiple Dovahkiin | Dragonborn, One Shot, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 05:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29870073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T0XIC_P0IS0N/pseuds/T0XIC_P0IS0N
Summary: Raven wasn’t used to being wanted, and he especially wasn’t used to intimacy. He didn’t even think he deserved it. His lover, on the other hand, strongly disagrees.
Relationships: Male Dovahkiin | Dragonborn/Male Dovahkiin | Dragonborn
Series: Struck by a (Not So) Smooth Criminal [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783939
Kudos: 1





	Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this turned out more angsty/therapeutic than I expected.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Kokasto, he’s the brainchild of my friend Hannah. I only own the plot and my OC, Raven.
> 
> Enjoy!

“You’re awake again.” 

It came out as an observation, not a question. As rain pelted the roof above, the voice was quiet, yet understandable. The inn downstairs was voiceless, the patrons and owners retiring for the night. With overly-sensitive ears, falling asleep was difficult, and a full moon meant his inner beast was going haywire. 

Yet, as Raven stared at the roof, it became clear that this was not the case.

“Nightmare?”

Raven shook his head. The elf’s chest rose as he inhaled sharply. “It's… the rain. It is bothering me.”  _ You hate lies, and yet you lie. Hypocrite. _

“You love rain.” Kokasto pointed out. Raven could practically  _ hear _ his worry. “I know you’re fretting over something. Would you like to talk about?”

_ Cut the bullshit, _ is what the breton basically said. Perhaps the blow would have been better if he said that instead. 

“I’m fine.”

_ Liar. _

Kokasto shook his head. “No, you’re not.” He argued. “But, I’ll understand if you’d rather not tell me. I’ll understand. Just know I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk.” 

_ He was always so damn observant, _ Raven thought. Kokasto could practically read his lover like an open book, he knew his exact emotion and it almost pissed him off. He wanted to tell him but he also didn’t; he hated being a burden. A burden is all he’d ever been, in Raven’s personal opinion. He knew Kokasto would oppose this opinion, but it was hard to believe otherwise. 

He didn’t want to tell him, but he did. But he didn’t.  _ But he did. _

“... I have… quite a bit on my mind.” Raven finally spoke after minutes of silence.

“Such as…?” 

Raven chewed at his bottom lip, pausing. Does he just… state exactly what’s on his mind? Is that what one does in this type of situation? Why does he feel so damn nervous?

The dunmer began to list. “... Ignaella. Okan-Lei. Aleirin. Astrid. Kassandra. Mercer.  _ Zirdol. _ ”

Kokasto shifted. He knew those names and their meaning.  _ The list of people who abused him or tragically died. _

“And what about them?”

“I hate Ignaella and Aleirin. I do not know what I should feel about Okan-Lei. Astrid was a good friend, Kassandra was the only mother figure I ever had, and Mercer…” Raven paused. He inhaled shakily, chest rising slowly as he stared sadly at the ceiling. “I want to hate him, and yet I do not. I try to forget his face but he haunts my dreams late at dusk. Killing him was justifiable, and yet it wasn’t. It is not justifiable to kill someone for selfish needs.”

Kokasto continued to stare at Raven, pity heavy in his eyes. There was one person he failed to mention. “And Zirdol…?”

This pause was even longer than the last. As the time went on, Kokasto watched his lover’s face twist deeper into sorrow, his breathing uneasy. 

“I miss him more than anything,” Raven lamented. “He died before I could make him proud. When he died, a part of me died alongside him. I did not tell him goodbye.”

Kokasto knew Raven held back tears. The dunmer viewed crying as a sign of weakness, weakness he preferred to not show. Despite the horrific circumstances the elf refused to cry. The breton’s heart ached for him.

“I killed him.” 

“No, no, you—”

“Do you know what I told him?” Raven interrupted, voice cracking. “ _ If you walk out that door, you are no longer a part of this family. I will not pick up the pieces when you are gone. _ ” He revealed. “And yet—” He cut himself off, a heartbreaking crack in his voice. His eyes were glossy, tears threatening to spill as he held back a sob. “Yet here I am. I am doing the very thing I promised I wouldn’t, picking up the pieces.”

“Raven…”

“That killed him.” The elf whispered. “He offered me so much, and how did I show my gratitude? I killed him. I broke his heart. I would give anything to see him again, to beg for his forgiveness. I would not blame him if he did not forgive me, if he told me he was not proud of me.  _ I _ am not proud of myself. I have not learned a single thing since Zirdol’s death.”

Now Raven was crying openly. Tears streamed down his face, sniffling as he attempted to conceal his sobs. It was a rare sight no one saw. 

Kokasto had seen this before, he knew what to do. He rolled over, halfway on top of Raven and halfway off, hands gently cradling his face as his thumbs wiped away his tears. He shushed him gently, kissing his forehead as he offered gentle touches and words. Raven was vulnerable and Kokasto needed to reassure him everything would be okay, and it would be. It was a matter of actually  _ getting _ said elf to believe him. 

“I miss him,” Raven sobbed. “I miss him so much.”

“I know you do.” Kokasto cooed, pressing more kisses into his face. “As long as you have memories of him, Zirdol will never be truly gone. You’re allowed to feel what you're feeling. You’re allowed to feel hurt.”

“I did nothing to help him. I could— I could not save him.”

“There is nothing you could have done to save him. Fate sucks, but it planned for him to die that day. It's not your fault.”

Another sob erupted from Raven’s chest as he clung to his lover. Kokasto continued to kiss his forehead, wipe his tears away and hold him close.

“It's not your fault. It’s not your fault.” The brunette repeated before adding, “I’m here for you, and I always will be.”

The next hour was heartbreaking, full of reassuring, gentle words and touches, and Ravens sobs. This was the most tears Kokasto had seen his lover shed before. The last time was a mere few tears, easy to calm. This was deep-rooted, built up and bottled from the last decade. Kokasto was patient, he could do this for hours without fail if he must. 

Raven deserved to be happy. He didn’t deserve  _ this. _

After some time, Raven’s sobs decreased, before coming to a full stop. One look into those wine red eyes told Kokasto a story worth a thousand words. He looked defeated, broken, and he blamed himself.

The breton rolled over, pulling the dunmer into his arms in a tight embrace. He brought the elf’s face into his neck, running a hand through his soft, snow-white locks. Raven said nothing, pressing himself close to his lover as if he were hiding. From the world or from himself, Kokasto didn’t know.

“Your brother loved you,” Kokasto began gently. “That never changed. No matter what you said or did, down to the last moments, Zirdol loved you. He loved you more than life itself and was willing to give up his life to let you live. He wanted you to continue living for his sake. Heartache is something that will never go away, but neither will your memories. Zirdol may be gone, but his memory will continue living.”

A silence followed these words. Raven’s breath hitched, another sniffle emerging from his being. His breathing was much steadier, steadier than it was an hour ago. That was a good thing.

“I love you.” 

“With a past like mine, I do not know why you bother staying.” Raven deadpanned.

“You learned.” Kokasto said. “The past is just that; the past. No matter what you said or did, I still love you. You deserve to be loved, Raven. You deserve to be told everything will turn out okay, and it will. I’ll be there to see that through. You just have to trust me, and more importantly, trust in yourself.” 

Raven inhaled sharply. His shoulders shook again, holding that breath before releasing it. This was something he hadn’t been told in so long, and by Hircine did he need it. Whether or not Kokasto took his silence as some sort of reply, the elf didn’t know. He hadn’t felt so cherished before, so  _ wanted _ .

“Okay,” Raven replied shakily, willing himself to not cry again. “I will… I will try.”

Kokasto smiled. “That’s all I ask.” He snuggled further into his love. “You deserve to be loved and to be happy. You especially deserve to  _ stay _ loved and happy. You’ll be okay.”

He wanted to believe that. And maybe one day, he would.


End file.
